Cec's Fishing Chair on Houseboat

Last week it was five months since Cecil died and I went back to work after the summer break. If you would see me, you would think I am doing well because I am able to look well.....and often I am able to feel well....but, at times, it is only a facade. His chair is empty and my heart is empty. Today I miss him beyond words.

The Healing Power of the Beach & the Delta

Capt. Compton at the helm of Base Ops, Summer 2003

July 2006 we were on Base Ops in the California Delta for what would be Cecil's last time on the houseboat. Cecil loved everyday on the houseboat. He would say everyday, 'It does not get any better than this.' He was always so right about knowing we were very blessed and feeling gratitude for our blessings everyday.

This summer I am also blessed to have been able to spend five weeks in an apartment in Carlsbad, California only two houses from the beach. Cecil would also have loved it here. It is a wonderful place to heal and read and walk......and really do anything one wants to do. I think it has been good for me to be able to be outside in the sun and on the beach everyday, rather than being in the house in Phoenix, as I continue to walk through my grief journey. I know I am 'doing better' because I am at the beach now.

I do believe 'I am doing remarkably well,' as I tell my family and friends when they ask how I am doing. It is true I am doing remarkably well but it is also true, at times, I am so sad with an ache in my heart from missing Cecil. Both are true.

Letter from Cecil's dear sister, Mary Annie

Mary Annie and Cecil, Florence, Italy, 2004

The following are the words Cecil’s sister, Mary Annie, wrote about him.

I was Cecil's sister. What does one say about the best brother a sister ever had...He made me feel so special...What wonderful times we had cooking and planning meals for our family and friends. We would call each other and plan meals or get recipes from one another. I got great ideas for meals and new recipes, and he got old recipes from me from our childhood.

One of the things I will miss the most is hearing him say "Hi sweet woman" and I love you. We enjoyed a very comfortable relationship, talking about anything and everything, playing many card games, working in the yard, doing errands together and working crossword puzzles.

I no longer have my brother to remember childhood stories together, talk about great times we had growing up, and remember our parents....I wish for each woman to have a brother like my Cecil.

Good-bye my wonderful, caring, funny and most of all, my loving brother.
I miss you everyday!!!!!!
Love always and forever...

Mary Annie

The Beach, Wishes, and Cecil

Cecil on Hanalei Beach, Dec 2005

Cecil loved all beaches but loved no beach more than the beach in Hanalei, Kauai. We spent our honeymoon on this beach in Kauai and have returned for many winter vacations over the New Year holiday. I know he wanted his ashes to be spread at the beach and he would prefer Hanalei Beach but I am not certain I can return here without him but perhaps with time.

I have been able to do some of our favorite things without him. This morning I took my first solo bike ride on the canal to the Biltmore for about an eleven mile ride. I even took a bike class last week to learn how to change a tire and fix the gears. I never needed to know this information since Cecil knew how to fix everything, including our bikes. The bike ride was good but not as much fun as with him. While I am feeling better everyday, I am not sure anything will be as much fun as it was with Cecil. I also know his wish is for me to be happy and enjoy everyday. I am doing the best I can to fulfill his wishes.

Precious Photographs, Memories, and Magic

Riomaggiore, Chinque Terre, Italy, 2004

It has been three months since Cecil died. I wonder how it could be so long ago while it has only been months. I have been reorganizing my photographs this week, which has been very comforting for me. I have all of my photos in organized, chronological albums since I began taking photos with my Brownie camera, when I was a Brownie, but I also have many boxes of duplicates of the photos in the albums.

I decided to make an album of 'Cecil photos' from the duplicates. I put the duplicates in randomly and have filled an album with two hundred Cecil photos. It is remarkable this is really only a sample of all the 'Cecil photos' in my chronological albums. I especially like looking at this new random album.....jumping from years when we were clearly much younger to recent times and changing between our wide variety of different experiences and adventures.

Photographs have always been magic for me.......when I look at them I remember and re-experience my feelings at the time the photo was taken. I have been magically and deliciously transported all this week and have loved every moment with each photo.

Enjoying the View

Woods Canyon Lake, Mogollon Rim, Arizona

Michalangelo's Piazza, Florence, Italy

I always loved to take photos of Cecil....and he was very patient with me and my photography passion most of the time. I have a friend, Brian, who says, "There is a fine line between hobbies and mental illness for many people." At times, Cecil would have said I may have crossed the line but because he loved to see me happy, he encouraged and supported all my photographic needs, desires, and compulsions.

I especially like to take photos of the back of people in order to be able to also see the view as it is being seen by the person. I know he relished enjoying the views whether it was the natural beauty of northern Arizona or the majestic beauty of Renaissance Florence. Cecil loved life and adventure and his joyful spirit filled our home, our tent trailer, our houseboat, and my soul. If he would have had a motto, it would be 'Carpe Diem,' which he lived by everyday. I loved our life and our adventures. I love him and miss him beyond any words, pictures, poems, or songs.

The Kiss of Love

This outstanding photo was taken by our dear friend, Ken Cale, in December 2001, after we renewed our marriage vows with our amazing Glide pastor, Douglass Fitch. Afterwards we celebrated with a group of Glide friends and a wonderful lunch at the Embarcadero. You can see Alcatraz in the upper right hand corner of the photo. It was an extraordinarily beautiful Sunday and celebration of life for all of us.

Cecil and I created our own salad dressing which we have served to our family and friends. It usually has resulted in rave reviews. I initially started the recipe but he was really the one who improved it to perfection. We decided we wanted to give gifts of jars of the salad dressing so we made labels for the jars with this photo and the text, The Kiss of Love for Your Salad by Cecil and Paulette.

I still have the last amount of the salad dressing he made but I cannot bring myself to eat it. I will save it for later when I will be able to savour it.

Sundays, Glide, and Cecil

Today is another Sunday.....actually the 8th Sunday since Cecil died. These Sundays are the most difficult days for me because Sundays were always a special day for us.

If we were on the houseboat, we would drive to San Francisco. Cecil would usher at Glide.....look at his face to see clearly how much he loved ushering...and I would bask in the loving and joyful music and atmosphere at Glide. Afterwards we would have brunch with friends....often The Cliff House.....and then spend the rest afternoon walking around in the city....our favorite city in the world. The great photo of Cecil's sweet smile while ushering at Glide was taken by our dear friend, Wayne Halladay.

If we were in Phoenix, Sunday was also our most special day of the week....beginning with reading the New York Times, then Cec cooking an outstanding brunch. In the afternoon we would read our books, nap, go to the dog park, drink wine in our courtyard at twilight with a fire, and Cec would cook a scrumptious dinner. We absolutely enjoyed every moment of the day with each other.

All of these Sundays were especially delicious for both of us. I miss him everyday but I miss him the most on Sundays.

Life, Death, and Dogs

This is a photo of an amazing moment. Molly had come to the Hospice Unit everyday and laid on Cecil's bed next to him. This photo was taken a few moments after he died. She had been on the floor but stood up on the side of the bed to be lifted up. When I lifted her up, she first smelled his mouth and then laid down on his chest and immediately closed her eyes. This is what sorrow and loss look like on a faithful dog.

Cecil always said dogs know so much more about life, and apparently death, than we humans do. Molly continues to comfort me with love and kisses in all my moments but especially when she believes it is her self appointed task to lick the tears from my face.

Cecil & his dear friend, Jim Gann, at Mount St Helens

I spoke with Jim today on the phone. Talking with him was comforting because I felt Cecil was present since Jim is so much a part of Cecil.

Time & World Since Cecil Died

Thursday was the 4th week since Cecil died and tomorrow, April 15th, will be one month since he died. I do not believe it can be so short a time and also believe it cannot be that long a time.

I remember after Jessica was born, I was amazed on the ride home how the world did NOT look different. I was in awe of the change in my life and could not believe the rest of the world had not acknowledged this remarkable change. The world was clearly brighter to me. As I look around me now, I am amazed the world, again, does not seem to be aware of the incredible change since Cecil died. The world is clearly dimmer to me.

This week many colleagues I had not seen since Cecil died expressed their sympathy. I told them it was ‘a private club’ since no one can understand the loss of their love until it happens to them. One agreed she did not want to be a member of the club. I do not want to be a member of club either.

Letter from Cecil's dear friend, Jay Hendrix

Cecil,
It has been difficult to not be able to pick the phone up and call you. You always answered "Hi Jay Boy."
You have taken me down the path of opportunity to learn and grow in this time we had together. I didn't think I could ever take time off work, travel and see the world in a different light, but you made it possible and I will forever be grateful for these memories in taking me to new heights we shared.
The bond and admiration we had in friendship and business are something that is very difficult to find in a person.. You were there and I know you are still there in spirit every day!
Your love for Paulette and the kids is so genuine and how lucky they are to have known that.. I want to tell you as I always have, you're a Great Friend and I Love and Miss You.
Your Best Friend,
Jay Hendrix

Message from Cecil through Cindy

Cindy, Cecil's daughter, sent me a message from the website, The Adventurer's Club, (Please click the link on the left to read and hear the message). Initially I was overwhemed but then I was very comforted by the message because I am certain it was a clear message from Cecil. It was three weeks last Thursday since Cecil died. I have been what might be considered as 'doing well,' but in the past few days have been more submerged in the incredible sorrow and emotion of the loss of Cecil; however, since the message I have been calmed and reassured.

Letter from Cecil's dear friend, Bill Kidwell

Dear Paulette,

There are no words that you have not thought of or others have not said to express how we felt about Cecil. I think I will write a letter to Cecil and you can read along.

Best Pal, We won't walk along a sandy beach again or get up early in the morning to cast a lure into the water. We won't get to take the dog for a walk or play gin rummy with our wives. We won't get to open a bottle of wine and pour the first glass or set down to a scrumptious meal you so happily prepared. We won't get to the cabin an smell the pine trees or start a fire in the fireplace. We won't get to go to church and discuss things that were important to us. We won't get to plan a new project or see it's conclusion. I will not get to hear you tell me how much you loved Paulette and the kids and I will not get to tell you how much I loved you. It is hard to write these words with the tears dripping off my chin, but you are worth every tear and every memory. I will cherish them all.
Good bye old friend.
Bill

Cecil Compton died March 15th, 2007 at 5:25 PM Mountain time.

Joy and Sorrow

Gibran tells us the connection between 'Joy and Sorrow,' and how we have sorrow at the same depth of our joy when we lose that which has brought us the joy. When I worked in Hospice I used to ask the surviving spouse if I could ask them a 'stupid question.' I would then ask them if they would have preferred NOT to have had the love and joy with their loved one who died in order to have less sorrow now? They all answered no to the stupid question. I also would answer no to the stupid question and do find comfort now in the depth of my sorrow because it is directly related to the love and joy I had with Cecil.

My first blog

Today my good friend, Mary, is teaching me how to create this blog.